Children who have grown up in a difficult environment lack inner security. They are filled with anxiety and cannot stand up for themselves, even as adults.
Protecting the child means creating a stable, safe, secure and caring environment in which the child feels loved and protected, and the intentions and behavior of those close to the child are dictated by a genuine concern for the child’s well-being.
The art of dealing with children is, among other things, the art of balancing freedom and control. Certain restrictions are inevitable; without restrictions, children cannot feel safe. Permissiveness generates anxiety, the child will constantly feel some kind of danger, and immaturity and lack of experience will make him or her helpless at all.
But if there are too many restrictions, if the baby is treated too strictly, put forward inconsistent disciplinary requirements, harshly punished for the slightest transgression, the child could be completely confused and completely out of control. All of this, of course, in no way contributes to the development of self-discipline and self-confidence.
Children need to be in a warm environment of people who know how to take care of each other and do not get tired of expressing their love and affection – both in words and in deeds.
The relationship between parents
An example for a child is, first of all, his parents. If father and mother often quarrel, humiliate each other and rarely show their love, children feel very insecure and anxious. As one acquaintance of mine said, “I have often watched my parents fight and quarrel. And that would have been okay, but I never saw them reconcile. It really freaked me out. For some reason, many children think that the negative emotions of the father and mother are nothing more than a reflection of the feelings that parents have for them, the children, and that they, the children, are the main culprits of family strife.
Perhaps the best thing parents can do for their children is to act so that their partner feels respected, valued, accepted, and that he or she is “on the team” and completely safe.
The Situation – Parents’ Divorce
A 16-year-old boy describes his reaction to his parents’ divorce this way:
“When my father and mother’s relationship deteriorated so much that they decided to break up their marriage of seventeen years ago, I felt terribly lonely. My father was living apart, and it had a very depressing effect on me. That was the first time I tried drugs. I was terribly angry, it hurt a lot that we couldn’t all live together like other families, and that my father was going to leave us and start a new life.
The reaction is pain.
Parents rarely notice it, but during a divorce the child feels rejected and even guilty; adults underestimate the impact of their divorce on children. If the father and mother display a negative attitude toward each other, the children are even more traumatized. Parents often hesitate to talk to their children about their problems because of guilt, fear, embarrassment, and weakness.
The reaction is help.
If a divorce can’t be avoided, there must at least be a plan of action to follow. Here is an example of such a plan:
Talk to your child privately, reassuring them that they will always be loved by both parents and not at all to blame for their divorce.
Try not to overburden the child and not to tell him or her everything at once. Consultation with a psychologist can also be very helpful.
Notes
Parental divorce has a negative impact on the child and his or her sense of security; the effects can be serious and long-lasting.
Parents can reduce the detrimental effects of divorce. We need to discuss all the difficulties together both before, during, and after the divorce process. Also – for the sake of the children – we need to stop the animosity.
Let parents not be surprised if their children get angry and refuse to talk. Embrace that anger and try to listen to everything, understand and comfort the child.
Caring, loving environment
It is common in happy families to openly show your love to your family members. In order to feel confident and safe, a child needs to see that his parents love each other and love him.
It is well known that the beginning and the end of something are very important. The beginning and the end of a day, a week, a month, a year are great occasions to show your family over and over again how much you love them. I remember one woman said that as a child her mother woke her up with a kiss and a gentle hug. And another – sadly confessed that in the morning she usually wakes her children by shouting, “Hurry up, or you’ll be late for school!”, “If you don’t make your bed before breakfast, you won’t get money for dessert!”
Signs of love and affection – hugs, kisses, smiles, tenderness at the beginning and end of the day or after a separation – contribute to a warm, positive family atmosphere, especially if not mixed with nagging and moralizing. And of course, spontaneous displays of love and affection will always come in handy and are always appropriate.
Traditions and rituals
Rooted “rituals” and traditional family holidays further strengthen a child’s sense of stability and security. In addition to the usual holidays and birthdays, you can establish new traditions together with your children. For example, once a week or once a month to have a family dinner at which everyone can share their impressions of a pleasant event. Or you could organize discussion lunches: everyone prepares an interesting message and shares it with his or her family, and then everyone expresses his or her opinions. It could be some political or sports news, an article in a magazine or newspaper, etc.
Discipline. Responsibility for their actions
Parents should be able to explain to children why certain acts are inappropriate or irresponsible, and why certain actions can have negative consequences. Thus, one mother, having found out that her child stole a toy from the store, did not begin to go into long arguments, but simply said: “In our family it is not customary to take someone’s things without asking, and it is not customary to rob others. Then she took the child to that store and – to the kid’s dismay – returned the toy to the manager, apologizing to him. The manager accepted the apology and said that if something like that happened again, he would have to go to the police.
Excessive restrictions
Arbitrary and too rigid restrictions that are not justified in language accessible to the child, or that are established without his or her participation and without discussion with the child, often lead to a “tug-of-war”. And what is typical, in such a situation both the child and the parent feel insecure.
Here are examples of excessive requirements for a fourteen-year-old:
- Go to bed at nine o’clock at night.
- Not spending pocket money on dinners at snack bars.
- Not watching TV on weekdays.
- Not calling anyone on the phone, except on Saturday-Sunday.
Excessive or inappropriate punishments
Too harsh punishments are very difficult to “impose” on the child, as he intuitively thinks they are unfair. There is little benefit from such punishments, as the child is more occupied with thoughts of parental bias. As a result, children become withdrawn and tension can arise in relations with them.
Inconsistency in punishments
If you threaten a child with punishment and then don’t punish them, children become anxious, doubtful, and stop trusting their parents. My neighbor once told his son to get out of the pool immediately because the whole family had to go somewhere in fifteen minutes. After about a quarter of an hour, the man shouted: “I’m counting to ten! If you don’t get out of the pool, we’ll leave without you.” After counting to ten, he started the count again twice more, each time repeating that this was the boy’s last chance, and adding a new threat.
If one parent has too mild a temper, and the other acts too tough, it throws the child off balance. If parents argue with each other in front of children, children feel very uncomfortable. It is much easier for a child when parents say what they think, think what they say, live amicably and generally know what they are doing.
Corporal punishment
Corporal punishment should be avoided. As a rule, it is a way of punishment for serious misdemeanors, but such punishments prevent the child from finding a way out of a difficult situation, and sometimes even cross out the very possibility of such a solution.
In addition, the child can draw the wrong conclusions. When we spank a child, he or she may well decide that abuse by a stronger person of impressive size is quite normal. Sometimes the reaction to the use of force is not immediate, but it does not become any less acute. A child who has been spanked by a school principal will not be able to do anything immediately in response. But he can come to school on Sunday and somehow make a nuisance of himself. If the child is punished by his father, he may take out his anger on his little brother or sister.
If we do not learn lessons from different situations in life, the feeling of insecurity and vulnerability in our children will never disappear. Corporal punishment can distort the very essence of parenting: physical violence can prevent a child from understanding and learning something. Ideally, the choice of punishment is made with the child’s participation, the punishment corresponds to the offense, and your child feels that you continue to love him or her. In addition, with punishment your son or daughter would do well to learn something useful. Punishment should be an element of learning, not a harsh punishment designed to cause pain and suffering.
Self-Discipline
The child must be taught self-discipline. Children should be given the opportunity to observe and experience the consequences of their own actions so that children will gradually learn to control themselves and “not to get into trouble”. Excessive tutelage on the part of parents deprives the child of such an opportunity.